Mrs. Grundy

Mrs Grundy lives alone in a house, with three bedrooms and one bed. She's called Mrs Grundy because "Miss" or "Ms" just didn't fit. She goes grocery shopping once a week and eats fruit in the produce aisle, but nobody says anything. If you walk by her house, you might hear Lawrence Welk records playing.
Mrs Grundy is old and she'll probably be dead within a decade.

I wrote this. This is about all I know of her. And I know this because I am her half-brother. But I won't visit her, and I won't be seen with her.
Because she doesn't fit in with my personal brand.
My name is Steve Ballmer. I'm sharing this with you for reasons of my own.

If you publish this, and anybody takes note in any significant way, I will deny having written this. And everyone will believe me.
Because you are a nobody.
Like my half-sister, Mrs. Grundy.