Thursday, June 24, 2010

Pearls of wisdom from my father. (A continuing series. Or not.)

“Son, life is, for the most part, joyless. No fun. Just one endless, heartbreak after another. You will be tortured at work, at home and even in your dreams. Sometimes, you’ll find some moments of peace, and even feel good for a little while – This is why I drink. But those moments are lies and as you drink a few more, it dawns on you, that it’s a false moment, an illusion, and so your good mood evaporates, making way for the pain and bitterness to return. So now you’re miserable and drunk. You’re a miserable drunk."

I was 10 as my father told me this.

“And even though you may grow up to be a good person, as I once was, you’ll find yourself surrounded by evil, horrible people. Pricks and cunts, all of them. You’ll likely sleep with vile people and in all likelihood, marry a vile person, as I did. Twice.”

It was my birthday.

“You’ll work for vile people. You’ll have to take orders from them. The most awful cretins, beneath you in so many ways, except the one that matters – They have some small power and influence. Many of them will have had their roles handed to them from someone equally undeserving. It’s who you know and what you’re willing to do to get your tiny piece of cheese. Merit has nothing to do with it. And talent can often be seen as a threat to these assholes. If you’ve got any streak of independence, or originality, you’ll find this life impossible. These scummy little whores will force you to work with their bad ideas. They’ll be ignorant and arrogant, and those people, are the worst kind of people of all. Those are the people that have largely engineered all the world’s ills, from the small, everyday vexations, to global horrors. You’ll want to murder them; beat them until they’re a disfigured, bloody pulp – And thinking about doing that will briefly make you feel good. Of course, even if you could get away with it, there’d always be another cocksucker to step in and take their place. Like a hydra, which is a mythical snake whose heads always are replaced when cut off."

I knew about hydras from my beloved Marvel comics.

“It’s all so pointless. In the end, all their schemes, all their trivial plans, are utterly inconsequential and meaningless; too insignificant to even be noted as an ironic joke. We are nothing more than a speck in the grand design of things. Over the span of untold millennia, our time on this planet will have been less than a blip; essentially invisible. But think of the great and decent things we could’ve done as a species while we were here. The simple joys of this world that we could’ve experienced. And what did we do? We chose to fuck each other over, in a variety of ways, every single day."

There wouldn't be a birthday party. In fact, as a kid, I never had birthday parties. But I must say that I did get some cool presents. Like GI Joe Adventure Team figures, and Britains cowboys and indians.

"We like to think of Christmas as one day where we all just let each other be, just peace, even if only for one day. But trust me, as we’re opening our presents, there are countless little guys getting screwed over. We are a vile, corrupt species, and the few that are attuned to purer instincts are an exception, often shunned, commonly ignored. Or crushed.”

My birthday present was an Aurora snap-together pteradactyl model kit, which I loved, and which complimented my Aurora snap-together sabretooth tiger.

“You’ll make some friends here and there, but many of them will fail you. Some will betray you. Finding someone you can trust, someone you can rely on – a true friend – this is the one of the most difficult things in the world. Since so many people are cowardly, shelfish, and paranoid by nature, they can’t help but present a false face – it’s a defense mechanism.”

But I wasn’t upset. Actually, I was feeling pretty good. My father had let me have some beer! It was my first of so very, very many.


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