Monday, October 16, 2006

A fable for these troubled times...

The spirit hovered above Sam Talbender. It told Sam that he was in Catholic limbo, and Sam wondered aloud where all the unbaptized babies were. Sam Talbender had been crushed once. Days, months, years ago? The film was vague about this. The spirit was naked and had modest cockage and a huge, gaping funhole. It was an hermaphrodite spirit - the best kind. The character of Sam Talbender was supposed to be of East Indian extraction, but he was being played by British actor H. Arthur Howe.

Clarence "Babyhands" Winslow had to use both hands to hold his soft drink, keeping the popcorn box between his legs. To eat some popcorn, he had to put the drink on the floor of the movie theater, then grab a handful of popcorn. A small handful. Then he would pick up the soft drink with both hands and take a drink. For Clarence "Babyhands" Winslow, holding most things meant using both hands.

After the movie, Babyhands went to “The Doll House” to pick up a puppet they had obtained for him. He collected puppets, though he really couldn’t do much with them since his fingers were too fucking small to properly animate the heads and arms of the puppets. But that didn’t much bother him. He was serious collector.
The proprietor of “The Doll House” was also a serious collector-cum-shopkeeper. Obviously. Or else she would’ve been in the hair removal business. There was not one hair on this woman. None on her forearms - none at all. Babyhands had seen her forearms up close and they were clearly shaved or waxed or somesuch. Needless to say, she was also devoid of eyebrows. She had hair on her head, though Babyhands was sure it was a wig. Nonetheless, Babyhands was rather attracted to her and she was friendly enough to him, but her poonie-woonie was probably shaved and therefore he didn’t pursue anything other than a business relationship with her.
Her assistant, on the other hand, was exactly her physical opposite. Where the owner of “The Doll House” was hairless to the point of fetishism, this girl could at a distance, be mistaken for an endomorphic Mediterranean adolescent male. She was short, with a bulbous rear and two chest lumps that more resembled "he-titties", than female breasts. Be that as it may, on certain occasions, Babyhands would think about her and put five of his baby-small fingers to use. Actually, the only thing that stood between them was her moustache. Not even electrolysis would solve the problem – Babyhands would always be aware that it had once been there.

One hour after visiting “The Doll House”, Babyhands ate a cheese omelet with homefries, and then rode the subway for awhile, wondering why God made people like the staff of "The Doll House."

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