HOW TO MAKE KIDS FEEL BETTER:
If a child with glasses gets called "Four Eyes", then tell the child to make sock puppet dolls, complete with buttons for eyes. Have the child give the dolls names of the kids that tease him or her. Then tell the child to chant this invocation: "Of my poor eyesight, thou dost make fun, but with this spell, you now have none!" And then have the child rip off the doll's button eyes.
If a fat kid is down because of his weight, buy him a gallon of ice-cream. Kids love ice-cream. OK. Maybe ice-cream is a bad idea. How about some KFC? Chicken's good for you, right? OK, OK. Give him a plain, baked potato. But that probably won't lift his spirits. Alright. Let him skip school for a week if he eats the baked potato. There!
If a short boy is worried about being a short adult and being unable to find a woman, remind him that Danny DeVito is very short and he's married to that foxy Rhea Perlman.
If your child wants a pet and you don't think it's a good idea, give him a 5 lb. sack of flour to carry around. Tell him that if he can carry the flour around for 6 months and not damage the sack or lose it, then he's responsible enough to care for a pet. After a couple of weeks, he'll get tired of kids calling him "Flour Boy" and tell you to forget about the stupid pet. Then you tell him it's not that easy. If that sack of flour were a pet, he couldn't just forget about it. He'd have to find someone else to care for it. So make him find someone willing to take on the sack of flour. If nobody wants it, tell him to leave it in a basket in front of a monastary. They make bread at monastaries.