Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Here's some more stupid shit I've made up.

My 6th grade teacher once told me that I was one in million – because of all the disruptions I caused. I replied that if I was one in a million, then given the global population, you could fill a football stadium with people just like me. She didn't appreciate that, so after school, for punishment, she gave me an enema in her apartment.
This was back when teachers were still allowed to do this.

I used to tease her A LOT!

Years later, we were married.


I once took a train. We went through a lot of tunnels. I wondered if there were bats in the tunnels. I guess I had bats on the brain, because later in the dining car, I ordered a bat sandwich. I meant to say ham sandwich. The waiter eyed me suspiciously. Later, in Turkey, I was arrested. Not for the bat mix-up, but for carrying 12 kilos of hash in my suitcase.


I bet if Davy Jones' last name was Carpiss, he wouldn't have got the gig on "The Monkee's", no matter how cute or talented he was.


It's said that in a trying situation, one should rise above it all.
I agree.
Because if you can rise above it adversaries, then you fly over their heads and urinate on them.


They say that dirty talk and making eye contact can enhance the sexual experience, but I felt really stupid cursing myself in front of the mirror, masturbating.


Blogger gastrosod said...

after you divorced your 6th grade teacher (because of the way she cupped your sack whenever you tried to make bacon), she moved to utah and created a line of greeting cards, one of which was mailed to me by my 6th grade teacher, and the card had a picture of a monkey fellating a bull moose on the front, with a quote that said "wishing you speedy recovery from your egg-and-tong reduction." that card changed my life. i blame you.

3:55 PM  

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