Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Rejected Advertising "Tag Lines"

Did I ever tell you how good you look in these pants? Now buy this Kia™.

I ate deli today. My number was 33. LUCKY DUCK!!!

Ever burp and taste a hot dog you ate four days ago? ME TOO!

Happy Halloween! Here! EAT THIS!!!

You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. You like picking, eh?

High Five Good Times Super Rock 'n' Roll Party Time!

Good cheese, good meat, good grief!

All our dogs are insane! But our product is sound as the pound, mate.

Metamorphose into this, buddy! (we're holding up one finger)

Ninja kick-to-the-head kind of thrills. Click now!

Golden Age Green Aquadude swears by us.

Buy 1225 and get a free can of beans!

BLESS YOU!!! BLESS YOU!!! You buy our products! Now we eat steak!

I'm sitting down as I write this. You don't want to know why.

I love to cook hot dogs. I love to cook 'em now. I love to cook hot dogs...OW!

Contains plastic parts. And chiggers.

Don't worry, this site emits "good radiation".

Not fit for human consumption. But you're ok.

Made in Bulemia.

Now, with special "Cool Dude Formula!"

Nasonex™. Mouth-watering good.

Do not inhale.

Meets minimum acceptable requirements.

We pass the savings into our pockets.

What you don't know won't hurt you.

Offer valid in no 50 states.

Other eggs suck.

Dig in, gluttons!

Contains "ooze"

Made with lava.

Naked Wop™ Ravioli. Consult a physician before using.

You like meat don't you? (perv)

Causes temporary madness.

Tittie. Big Tittie. Walter Mitty.

Corn is nice. It doesn't talk back.

Use round numbers like 10 or 20 -- not 17.86!!!

I am the walrus. I typed this with my "Flip-Pad"™!

Stampy™, the Super-Stamp hero, says "I hate minorities"!

Turn left at Maple, then go to heck-ville.

Tadpole's in the house, y'all!

All you do is run at super-speed all day. BOR-RING!!!

Thank you for refusing to live underwater, like all the others.

When someone says, "blanket of lies", I hear "blanket of flies".

Calendar Girl, why do you mock me so?

Cat say stop, cat say go, cat say stay away from popo!

Mr. Hard makes ice, Mr. Hard makes rice. Mr. Hard needs more spice!

Take off your socks. Now smell your feet. You'll do anything we say won't you?

Tired of pulling dad's finger? Play our games. FUN!!!

Wee birdy, flying so high. Wee birdy, now you must die.

IHOP™, home of the -- OMIGOSH! A BRONTOSAURUS JUST SMASHED MY ECONOMY CAR!!!


Here are some intriguing TV show ideas that I think would be just perfect to pitch to a network or whatever.

THE SLACKER AND THE CEO:

Hilarity ensues when a wacky mishap forces a middle-aged corporate executive to move in with a ‘Gen Y’ unemployed dude. Later in the series, a comic misunderstanding forces them to switch roles. When the stories begin to wear thin, we’ll introduce their twin brothers: the CEO’s brother is a vagrant and the slacker’s is a corporate climber!


MIDGETS ‘N’ CHIMPS:

The title says it all. A buddy cop show à la ‘Starsky & Hutch’. It focuses on the dynamic between a fastidious veteran detective, Dan Midgets and his wild rookie partner, Doug Chimps.


ELEPHANT VS. JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:

Kind of like the classic ‘Coyote and Road Runner’. A lot of people like Jack Russell terriers and naturally will root for him. But a lot of people find them overly cute, yappy and too trendy, so they’ll be rooting for the elephant to squish the dog. Not a cartoon.


CLOSET SPACE:

Fred Schneider (of the B-52’s pop combo) stars as an overtly macho yet unfulfilled interior decorator who regularly beds his wealthy matron clients. A “dramedy” set in Portland, Oregon, CLOSET SPACE also features an irrepressible Yorkshire Terrier.


THE IDIOT AND THE APE:

Wherein an idiot savant pals around with an orangutan and soothes the savage beast with harmonica music. An opportunity to cash in on the ‘Forrest Gump’ phenomena.


OLD CASPER:

A prime time cartoon show chronicling the adventures of a senior Casper who hates children and wants nothing to do with making friends.


ARE YOU THICKE?:

A zany game show where contestants try to guess which one of three “celebrities” is really Alan Thicke. Possible “celebrities” to fool the partially nude and blindfolded contestants include: Phillip Michael Thomas, Dom DeLuise, Gary Burghoff, Mike Farrell, Larry Linville - indeed, all the cast members of MASH except Alan Alda and the fat limey snob. Suitable for cable, as it will be laced with vulgar profanity. Hosted by Gabe Kaplan.


FARR OUT:

Jamie Farr hosts a sensitive series of one hour specials designed to generate awareness, tolerance and hopefully, greater acceptance of gays & lesbians. Interviews and light-hearted illustrations featuring Abe Vigoda. Also starring the vocal talents of Rich Little who provides the voice of a disembodied ghost.


CAROL’S CRACK:

Venerable star of stage and screen, Carol Channing portrays Carol Fingerman, a slumlord spinster who’s court ordered to care for 3 crack babies after their mother perishes from exposure in one of Carol’s drafty, unheated tenement apartments. Featuring an ensemble cast, notably Malcolm-Jamal Warner and introducing the Tawanna-Briggs sextuplets as the babies. Sherman Helmsley has a recurring role as the love interest.


FREE MASON:

Former child oddity Mason Reece makes his triumphant return to television as a free spirit who finds himself in a Turkish prison on trumped-up charges. He spends his days pacing his cramped cell, uttering profundities. His only companion: an animatronic mouse with the voice provided by Rich Little. Mason’s hot lead enema interrogation scene has “Emmy” written all over it!


THE GENESIS & MARIE VARIETY HOUR:

Three addled teabags and a singing Mormon. Watch the fireworks fly!
(Special “Incentive Discounts” for advertisers)


POON'S TANG:

Innovative recipe's using only Tang™ crystals and hosted by noted chef, Joseph Poon.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Everybody loves the “Peanuts”; look at all the ads with ‘Charlie Brown’ and ‘Snoopy’.

I think ‘Pig Pen’ would be ideal to push a deodorant. "If it can keep him odor-free, think of what it can do for you."
Now obviously, Pig Pen could only be used to push a men’s deodorant, so for a women’s deodorant, we’d introduce a female counterpart: ‘Sow Pen’.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tuesday's Poetry Corner

Irony

He was a lousy lover.
Often, he would climax whilst still in his underpants.
Other times, he would plow on for hours, impervious to
his partner’s discomfort and disinterest.
He would shriek like a schoolgirl if his lover got
anywhere near his anus.
He would grunt “You done yet?
Instead of foreplay, he would tell his partner to
diddle yourself and call me when you’re sufficiently
lubricated for entry”
.

But, he gave freely of his time and money to worthy and
noble causes.

He was a lousy lover.
And he was a great humanitarian.
And that’s irony.
I think.

Monday, July 17, 2006


The Satomi Tanaka and Michiko Machida
Report







Although neither of us are worthy, or skilled in this
regard, we have been persuaded by many individuals of
high esteem to assume the mantle of stepping into our
honorable husband's footsteps (Editor's note:
Please see Feb. and April postings)
. Thus we will
continue their righteous efforts in eviscerating the
rabid-dog, American society. For starters, I will file
the first report, while Michiko goes down to the local
Donburi stand to retrieve a luncheon for us.

Today, I read in the local news with great interest at
how American school teenagers now weigh on average, as
much as their grandparents did. One can only thank
triple fatty-patty fatburgers, slathered in melted
processed cheese and topped with several slices of
porky-pig bacon. HA! Laughable, is it not, when one
considers that these corpulent, soon-to-die non-beings
consume said "food" while sitting on their
bouncy-big-bottoms, playing Japanese video games, on
Japanese video-game consoles, watching Japanese
televisions. Enjoy your fast fat food, while Japanese
fast food is ---

Where is Michiko? I shall look out the window. Ah
there she is, hurrying back with our hot lunches. My,
what a typically glorious Japanese day. Clear, radiant
skies, majestic mountains, King Ghidorah in the
distance. Wait! AIEEEEE! KING GHIDORAH!!! HE IS FLYING
WITH GREAT SPEED!!! HURRY, DEAR MICHIKO, HURRY!!! NO!
HE IS UPON HER! AIEEEEE!!! SHE HAS BEEN IMMOLATED BY
HIS FLAME BREATH!!! NOW, THE BEAST'S GREAT FOOT IS
BEARING DOWN ON ME!!! GAAAAAHHHH!!! ----

Saturday, July 15, 2006













Cunt McElroy’s Tales From the Shit-Suitcase. pt.1

OH GOD!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! I’M LOCKED INSIDE A SUITCASE FILLED WITH SHIT!!! PLEASE, CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!? THE STENCH IS UNBEARABLE! I’M GOING TO DIE IN HERE!!! GOD PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS SHIT-FILLED SUITCASE!!!

















Today's Philosophers

Armin Levon, a Spinozist, can be found Wed-Sat evenings, behind the counter at Kinko's.

Patricia A. Wentworth: In front of the grill at T.J. McLick 'emLips, there's nothing this proponent of Kant can't do with juicy 1/2 lb. burgers.

Saul Weisskopf applies the tenets of Stoicism in his capacity as a peep show janitor.

So in the increasingly rare instances when people ask me "Where are today's philosophers?", I shake my head, sigh with subtle disdain, look them square in the eyes and tell them. Then I ask them if they want fries with their order.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


HELLOOOO CLEVELAND!

Band Names, Pt. 1

Soft Night Smell
Old Underpants
Scab Sandwich
Lethal Bun
Calculus For Queens
Performance Dentist
Enormous Bleeding Ear
Breakfast for the Unclean
Peep Show Janitor
Raw Johnson
Cheese Cleaner
Vacuum With a Tongue
Anal Retentive Angel
Orgasms For The Damned
Virgins on a Bus
Extinct Yet?
Seminary Steam Room
$5 Mouse
Ping Ping Sensation
Magellan Strait Jacket
Copy My Aura
Alan Fixation
Impotence in a Drum
Big Ass Writer
Van Smell
Siouxsie & The Complainers
Pussy Ambivalent
Skyworm Surfer
Chamois, She Cried
Dry Hump Cycle
Dull Life Ration
Receding Lifeline
Artsy Trucker
It Tastes Like Me
Ugly Best Friend
Aberrant Busboy
Tarts for Jesus
Magoo In My Shoe
Foul Mouthed Slave
Facsimile Father
Virile Monk
Pee-Pee Doctor
Sitz Bath Breath
Cocoon Lover
Real False Teeth
Five-Cent Fishy Fishy

Wednesday, July 05, 2006
















An American Tale.

Emerson Scheismaltz was a killer. He was ambivalent about his occupation, but it really bothered his mother. He lived with her in an old brownstone in Brooklyn, New York. They had moved into it after selling their house two years ago. His mother was very old and had saved a lot of money over the years. She also had a substantial insurance policy, of which Emerson was the sole beneficiary. And of course, there was the huge inheritance left by Emerson's late father, from which Emerson received a monthly allowance, administered by his mother.

Emerson was a killer, and had killed a lot of men in his time. He worked for his Uncle Upats. Emerson's mother wished almost more than anything that he would find a girl and settle down, but Emerson was a dwarf who was born without a penis, so that was kind of out of the question.