What's Up With Harry Hamlin? Or Torbin, The Ridiculous, Clog-Wearing, Danish Hippie?

HARRY HAMLIN PROJECT LIST

HARRY HAMLIN AND THE HOT POTATO PIE

HARRY HAMLIN BATTLES HERR HERPES

HARRY HAMLIN AND TONY THE BALONEY PONY GET THEIR DRINK ON

BEAR HUG DAVE AND HARRY HAMLIN BUY COUNTRYFRESHCORN.COM

THE BEST HARRY HAMLIN IMPERSONATER SELLS POON BY THE ABANDONED BARN

FOUR FILTHY HIPPIES AND HARRY HAMLIN VS. TORBIN THE OBTUSE DANISH HIPPIE AND HIS MIGHTY WOODEN CLOGS. THE PRIZE: THE ETERNAL FLAME OF BLUE TOE BABALOO

BEAR HUG DAVE CRUSHES THE PURPLE HEART OF HARRY HAMLIN

HARRY HAMLIN’S ORTHOPEDIC SHOES BREAK HARRY HAMLIN’S SNORE-PROOF CHIN-STRAP.

TORBIN, THE CLOG-WEARING, DANISH HIPPIE:

TORBIN, THE DANISH HIPPIE, GETS A TOE SPLINTER FROM
HIS RIDICULOUS WOODEN SHOES.

THEN,
TORBIN, THE DANISH HIPPIE, SAVES HIS URINE FOR FUTURE
GENERATIONS
AND,
TORBIN, THE RIDICULOUS WOODEN SHOE WEARING HIPPIE,
"ACCIDENTALLY" SWALLOWS A PONY'S PUBE
AND,
TORBIN, THE DANISH HIPPIE, STARS IN "TETRIS, THE MUSICAL"
_____________________________________________________________________________________

TORBIN, THE CRETINOUS, WOODEN-SHOE WEARING, DANISH HIPPIE, PONDERS GETTING A JOB AS A SOFT-SERVE STOOL SALESMAN IN COPENHAGEN.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

TORBIN, THE OBTUSE, CLOG-SHOD COCKSUCKER, GOES ON AN ORGIASTIC BINGE OF BACK-HAIR SANDWICH EATING.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

TORBIN, THE CLOGGIST, ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS OUT A MUGGER ATTACKING AN OLD BAG WHEN HIS RIDICULOUS CLOG FLIES OFF WHILST FLEEING. EMBOLDENED, HE DECIDES TO BECOME A STREET VIGILANTE. FIRST NIGHT OUT, THIS WITLESS WOODEN-SHOE SHOD FUCKWIT INTERVENES IN THREE SEPARATE ACTS OF CRIMINALITY. HE IS ASS-RAPED EACH TIME. DISHEARTENED, HE ABANDONS THIS PURSUIT AFTER THE THIRD NIGHT. AND 19 ASS-RAPINGS.

ON CELEBRITIES.

Who wouldn't want to be on celebrities -- especially Dolly Parton! Ha-cha-cha-cha!

But seriously, it was James Belushi who summed celebrity up best, over a cheap dinner I involuntarily shared with him some time back, in Burbank, which for you hayseeds, is near Hollywood. Anyway, the-Belushi-who lived told me, "Y'know pal (we're not pals), a true measure of how legendary you are is measured by how many people mock you."
There are no lampoons involving James Belushi here.
Now let the fun begin!


If Ben Affleck were a Pumpkin...
Do you know a pumpkin will burst when dropped from as little as 3 feet?


If U2 were Ants
Their smaller size would make them much easier to observe with a magnifying glass under the glaring sun.


Microbiology Made Relative
We all know that the mealworm is a parasite. But did you know that there are microscopic parasites feeding on the back of the mealworm? Parasites feeding on parasites. To put it in simpler terms, it's like Larry King's wives.


Dolly Parton
I think the only way I could stop fantasizing about having sex with Dolly Parton would be if she were my mom.


Society's Scorn
Since I don't get out much, I think I could've lived with the scorn of society if I'd had sex with my mom, Dolly Parton.


I Had A Dream
I had a dream that I went to Frederick's of Hollywood with Dolly Parton and we bought sexy lingerie for her. Then we went home and had wild sex and afterwards, Dolly baked me an apple pie and I said "Thanks Mom".


Chances
I think my chances of having sex with Dolly Parton would've greatly increased if she had been my mom, especially considering that she's "hill folk" from the Smokey Mountains of Tennesse. And if any hill folk reading this are offended, first of all, congratulations on your new found reading skills! And secondly, I apologize.


Paradise Tomorrow?
In a perfect world, all men & women would be my brothers and sisters. We'd all live in harmony. And our mother would be Dolly Parton. And I'd have sex with her.

In the weekend newspaper, there was an insert from "The Learning Annex".
Three-hour classes ranging from "How To Start A Home Based Word Processing Business" to "How To Drive A Woman Wild In Bed".



Inspired, I've created my own "Learning Add-On" courses:


How To Profit From Other People's Misery

How To Tell If Your Neighbor Is A Pervert

How To Talk About Haiku Poetry With A Porn Star

Teach Your Dog To Smoke

The "Blue Flame" And Its Uses For Good

How To Be More Gay

How To Be Proud Of Your Failed Life

Offend Almost Anyone

How To Get Even With Your Children

Basic Harpoon Techniques For Nuns

Using The Metric System To Make Your Penis Larger

How To Turn Back Hair Into A Promotional Vehicle

Why Talking About "Star Trek" Will Ruin A First Date

How To Successfully Dress Like Louis XIV At The Office

Make Decorative Gift Baskets From Your Toenail Clippings

How To Get More Than One Copy From The Newspaper Box

How To Trick The Amish Out Of Honey

Turn Your Garage Into A Small Dildo Factory

How To Cope With Genital Hair Loss

Overcoming Your Fear Of Hippies

Make Your Own Godzilla Costume

How To Turn Your Imaginary Friend Into Dolly Parton

The Heimlich Manouver - Satan's Tool?

How To Tell If Jesus Hates You

Poon's Tang - Recipes Using Tang As Taught By Mark Poon

"Size Doesn't Matter" And Other Great Lies Of The 20th Century

Cool People Who Died Of Lung Cancer

How To Make Sourdough Bread From Dust

What To Do In Case Of Apocalypse

Turn Your Car Into The Perfect Guest Home

Fight Crime With Your Home Made Suit Of Armor

GOODS AND SERVICES DOOMED TO FAIL:


Wolverine Pantyhose

Frankenstein Brand Tampons

Michael Jordan Cologne

Crosby, Stills & Nash Spermicidal Lubricant

Jr. Dick Golf Clubs

Greek Bros. Diaphragms

Viking Facial Exfoliant Strips

Brawny Tony Genital Cleanser

Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan Style Mortadella

Tijuana Girl Chicken Sandwiches

Queen For A Day Wigs

Tiny Dancer Cowboy Boots

Magic Johnson Caviar

Bill Gates Brand Basketball Shoes

Guy LaFleur Stool Softener

Elton John Performance Radials

Bedbug Mattress Surveilence Microphones

Blow Harder Air Conditioners

Johnny Pancreas Pancreatic Infection Kit

Sweet Jesus Bug Spray

2 for 1 Taxidermy and PHO

Obnoxious Frenchman Rat Poison

Lonely Shepherd Dental Dam

Delicate Flower Astroturf

Guido McWopley's Italian Eatery

She-Mail Feminine Envelopes and Stationary

Pacifist Ape Spaghetti Sauce

Krauty Kraut Sourkraut

New Genesis Pamphlet Protectors

Clay Aiken's Guide To Sensual Love

Bald Dummies Hairless Mannequins

Raisin Bag Weightlifter Snacks

Rosie O'Donnell Free Range Ham

HOW TO MAKE KIDS FEEL BETTER:



If a child with glasses gets called "Four Eyes", then tell the child to make sock puppet dolls, complete with buttons for eyes. Have the child give the dolls names of the kids that tease him or her. Then tell the child to chant this invocation: "Of my poor eyesight, thou dost make fun, but with this spell, you now have none!" And then have the child rip off the doll's button eyes.


If a fat kid is down because of his weight, buy him a gallon of ice-cream. Kids love ice-cream. OK. Maybe ice-cream is a bad idea. How about some KFC? Chicken's good for you, right? OK, OK. Give him a plain, baked potato. But that probably won't lift his spirits. Alright. Let him skip school for a week if he eats the baked potato. There!


If a short boy is worried about being a short adult and being unable to find a woman, remind him that Danny DeVito is very short and he's married to that foxy Rhea Perlman.


If your child wants a pet and you don't think it's a good idea, give him a 5 lb. sack of flour to carry around. Tell him that if he can carry the flour around for 6 months and not damage the sack or lose it, then he's responsible enough to care for a pet. After a couple of weeks, he'll get tired of kids calling him "Flour Boy" and tell you to forget about the stupid pet. Then you tell him it's not that easy. If that sack of flour were a pet, he couldn't just forget about it. He'd have to find someone else to care for it. So make him find someone willing to take on the sack of flour. If nobody wants it, tell him to leave it in a basket in front of a monastary. They make bread at monastaries.

I'm not going to endorse this page.
Damn, dirty Apes!













Gone With the Ape of LaMancha

St. Simian, The Papal Ape

Formula 1 Ape Racer and the Regina Gang

The Ape of Solitude Lost in New York

Shotgun Ape & Crazy Hilda Liverwurst

Percival Paisley Ape III Visits Ottawa

Easter Ape Goes to the Prom

Sailor Ape and the Spooky Kabuki's

Emerson Lake & Palmer & Ape

Super Jupiter Ape Discovers Fat Baby

Woody Allen vs. Sore Throat Ape

Hippie Ape and the Constitution Geezers

U.S. Ape and U.S. Alien Fight Dr. Bagdad

Rockin' Ape and The Monkee's Party on Monster Island

Tequila Ape & Garfunkle

How Valentine Ape Saved Christmas From Capt. Crotch

Pantyhose Ape, The Volvo Repair Ape

President Cracker and the Ape of Apocalypse

Spanish Ape Romances The Ham

The Ordeal of Pacifist Ape

Nude Druid Ape Runs For Congress

Triathalon Ape & Mudpie Slim

Minature Ape Copes With NAFTA

Mafia Ape, JFK & lil' Anal Alan Thicke

California Dreamin' Ape Buys Porn

Vietnam Vet Ape and His Wonderful Suitcase Sauce

Broadway Ape & Keanu Reeves Starring in "Commander Dumb-Ass and Ape - The Musical"

Poutine Ape vs. Saskatoon Robot

Orphan Ape vs. Gerard Depardieu's Breath

Boy Scout Ape Rides The Puberty Pony

Maniac Ape Cop and Rookie Ape Cop Hunt Superfly Pimp Ape

Pippa Peartree in "The Return of An Ape Called Man"

Le Ape et Le Meow dans Le Titanic avec Le Poulet Frite de la Kentucky

Snow White & Ape, Ape, Ape, Ape, Ape, Ape and Ape

Lord Apesley Apeswith's Olde Ape Style Fish 'n' Chips

The Congresswoman Who Crushed Cowboy Ape's Heart

"The Windy Candle Song" - A Tribute To Slag Ho Princess Ape

The AAA Report, Brought to You by Ass Acne Ape

Holy Hillbilly Ape Counsels Prime Minister Genitals

"Breakfast TV With Bacon 'n' Ape" - Kevin & Ape!

Sword of Justice Ape and Douchebag Ape in "The Stallone Brothers, Their Personal Odessey"

Buck Staghorn Ape's Black Angus Gay Ape Steakhouse

"Apey Days", starring Ron Howard as "Clean Ape" and Henry Winkler as "Greaser Ape"

Corporate Ape Gets Sued by Captain Bambi Jr.

Bazooka Ape and Gradma Luge Beat Dr. Bikini at The American Olympics

The 3 Ape Lone Rangers and The 3 Ape Tonto's Save Christian Kitty

TV Doctor Ape Starring in "Batman - The Ape"

Ape Starring in "Ape - The Animated Series"

"The Incredible String and Glue Flying Machine of Phineas Q. Quackenbush and Bird Faced Girl"
by Ape Vonnegut Jr.